I got chris browned last night
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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