Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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