I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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