A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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