My sheets look like a crime scene.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
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He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
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She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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