im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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