Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
