The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
