My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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