WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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