saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
