You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
