A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Where did you get a picture of my penis
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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