Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
