For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
