his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
