she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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