I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
