somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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