I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
