Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
