Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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