she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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