hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
