If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
