I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
