i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
