when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
