Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
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Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
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We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?