i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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