Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
