there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
