I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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