Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
