My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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