My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
