awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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