i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
