Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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