I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
