what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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