Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
