i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
