I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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