i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
