i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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