Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
