OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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