I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
