I didn't shave. On purpose
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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