You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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