Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
