PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
