i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
My ATM looks so different sober.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
