she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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