my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
