Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
